danistrulytheman

I'm STILL a self confessing, self professing know-it-all, or so I think!

AY ESS ESS AITCH OH EL EE

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Folks, I’d like to sing a song about the American Dream
About me, about you
About the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottom of our chests
About that special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts
Maybe below the cockles
Maybe in the sub cockle area
Maybe in the liver, maybe in the kidneys
Maybe even in the colon, we don’t know

I’m just a regular Joe, with a regular job
I’m your average white, suburbanite slob
I like football and porno and books about war
I got an average house, with a nice hardwood floor
My wife and my job, my kids and my car
My feet on my table, and a Cuban cigar

But sometimes that just ain’t enough to keep a man like me interested
(oh no, no way, uh uh)
No I gotta go out and have fun at someone else’s expense
(woah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah)
I drive really slow in the ultra fast lane
While people behind me are going insane

I’m an asshole (he’s an asshole)
I’m an asshole (he’s an asshole, such an asshole)

I use public toilets and I piss on the seat

I walk around in the summer time saying “how about this heat?”

Sometimes I park in handicap spaces
While handicapped people make handicap faces

I’m an asshole (he’s an asshole)
I’m an asshole (he’s a real fucking asshole)

Maybe I shouldn’t be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they’re right when they tell me I’m wrong
Nah

I’m an asshole (he’s an asshole)
I’m an asshole (he’s the world’s biggest asshole)

You know what I’m gonna do
I’m gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac Eldorado convertible
Hot pink, with whale skin hubcaps
And all leather cow interior
And big brown baby seal lions for head lights (yeah)
And I’m gonna drive in that baby at 115 miles per hour
Gettin’ 1 mile per gallon,
Sucking down Quarter Pounder cheeseburgers from McDonald’s
In the old fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers
And when I’m done sucking down those greeseball burgers
I’m gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag
And then I’m gonna toss the styrofoam containers right out the side
And there ain’t a goddamn thing anybody can do about it
You know why? because we’ve got the bombs, that’s why
Two words, nuclear fucking weapons, OK?
Russia, Germany, Romania, they can have all the democracy they want
They can have a big democracy cakewalk
Right through the middle of Tiananmen Square and it won’t make a lick of difference
Because we’ve got the bombs, OK?
John Wayne’s not dead, he’s frozen, and as soon as we find a cure for cancer
We’re gonna thaw out The Duke and he’s gonna be pretty pissed off
You know why?
Have you ever taken a cold shower, well multiply that by 15 million times
That’s how pissed off The Duke’s gonna be
I’m gonna get the Duke, and John Cassavetes
and Lee Marvin, and Sam Peckinpah, and a case of whiskey, and drive down to Texas …

I’m an asshole and I’m proud of it

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Author: danistrulytheman

I'm still a self confessing, self professing know-it-all, or so I think!

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